


Existing by Personal Conditions

by klowee



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Delphine Cormier - Freeform, F/F, F/M, Justifying Leekie, cophine - Freeform, head canon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-14
Updated: 2015-08-13
Packaged: 2018-04-14 15:25:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4569576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/klowee/pseuds/klowee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Delphine Cormier lived a life made up of tough decisions — the hardest being the ones she decided on her own.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Existing by Personal Conditions

**Author's Note:**

> this is essentially a Delphine head canon

It was 9:47PM on a Tuesday when she made the decision — the red lit numbers on a dated digital alarm clock resting on her nightstand burned into her memory. She was only 17 years old when she chose her path — decided at exactly that time she’d never trust anyone with her heart.

 

Which was fine, she reasoned, because she was an academic first and the whole love affair she found herself in was a distraction — a mess. She knew this day would come — it was inevitable — her pseudo relationship with her lover would eventually have to end. He was, after all, _married_ and the head of the science department at her boarding school. But he had made her feel so important — made science _fun_ and gave her killer grades.

 

She was, she supposed, the most ideal candidate to engage in an affair with. She kept people at a distance and while she was social at events, didn’t do the friends thing. So, it had started one night in the lab and ended six months later.

 

But she never expected to cry after it was done. She’d cried the first time she lost her virginity to him — on an ugly pink leather 80’s sofa in his office. The weird part is she’d wanted him to initiate it — wanted the affair.

 

She’d walk around the grounds of her boarding school back in France on gray days alone, Walkman plugged into her ears as she enjoyed just how green the grass glowed after rain. She found comfort in her solitude — which she enjoyed even more after each encounter. 

 

She didn’t really like him — but when he was teaching her advanced theories and encouraging her to delve deeper into immunology — she convinced herself she might love him. She never did.

 

So it was difficult to understand why the end of it all hurt so much. It was probably more a hit to her ego than anything else — that someone could be okay with letting her go. Though she wasn’t into sentimental novels, the idea that people should cling to one another, want a sweet escape in each other — was out there and everyone else in the world seemed to absorb these romantic ideologies like thirsty sponges. He was, after all, someone she actually kind of let in — she never really did that with anyone else. He was the only person she’d let even near the gates of her very guarded heart.

 

Detached, she decided, she would remain — as she had been — detached. 

 

She didn’t want to love or be loved, romantic notions like this were foolish and not something she needed in her life. She considered herself a minimalist.

 

But humans have needs and the desire to engage in sexual encounters was something that burned even inside of her. She decided early on that she’d only sleep with people if it benefited her in some way — preferably professionally.

 

Delphine Cormier was _not_ interested in feelings nor would she let herself get emotional again. Not after that Tuesday night. She had plans for herself.

 

\--

 

She followed through with her personal initiatives — from that fateful Tuesday to the day she completed her PHD and to her start as a professional in the science sphere. After interning at DYAD Institute, she was offered a job before she even finished her final exam.

 

During that time, Delphine took lovers discreetly — high ups from different boards. All older men. All subjected to her awkward cry after their first encounters —she always hated herself a little bit as she slipped her panties back on; but would remind herself she had full agency — was in control of every situation she found herself in. She was on track and focused on the bigger picture.

 

The last of these sexual, professional relationships was Aldous Leekie.

 

He’d been eyeing Delphine back in her intern days — and if she was honest — probably had a lot to do with her sweet position straight out of graduation. She remembered the meeting where his arm snaked around her waist and rested on the small of her back; she stiffened.

 

He proposed a project that fascinated her: _human clones_. Real life human clones — and he wanted her as a scientist on board. If she was interested, he spoke closely; she could come by his hotel room for a meeting to discuss it further.

 

Dr. Aldous Leekie was aged, simple with his needs and not especially attractive to her. His brilliance, influence, power and position to get her the start she needed in her career was, however, some kind of sexy.

 

When you live without feelings for as long as Delphine has, these life decisions are easy.

 

They were lying apart from each other on the bed after the deed was done — flat on their backs, staring up at the dark hotel ceiling. She was clear, after she accepted the opportunity, about where she stood with relationships.

 

“This will be the perfect role for you then,” Aldous announced.

 

“Oui,” Delphine did that thing she sometimes does — where she compartmentalizes her life and actively steps into a control panel inside her mind before flipping a switch; projecting an identity she wants to in a moment. She can select different collections of personal data and becomes this almost robotic version of herself. Not a feeling to be found. It’s how she disconnects to connect; to transfer parts of her mind without giving away any piece of herself.

 

She has become so good at this. Delphine cleared her throat before she spoke again, “It was Plato who believed people were of gold, silver or bronze souls — in his thoughts about government. He believed gold people were ruled by logic, silver by emotion, you know—“

 

“…Bronze or iron souled people driven by appetite; by desire,” Aldous nodded as he added, “I’m familiar with Plato’s philosophies, Delphine. Are you suggesting you’re a gold soul?”

 

“Since I heard this in high school many years ago, I’ve aspired to think this way,” the blonde responded before swinging her legs to the side of the bed, “But I never studied philosophy further — focused and got myself lost in science instead. That, my career, this is my motivation for everything.”

 

She sat up straight. She still had herself programmed: job interview mode.

 

“We’ll get you started on the assignment this week,” he said before turning on his side towards the French woman.

 

“Of course.”

 

“And,” Aldous pulled his upper body closer to her and reached over to rest a hand on her side, she stiffened. “…we can meet again after?”

 

“That’s fine,” she tapped her hand on his quickly before getting up to dress.

 

This time, she waited until she was in the hall with the door-closed shut behind her before she cried against a wall.

 

\--

 

The first time she saw a photograph of her new subject — she also experienced her first wave of feelings in a long time. She was excited and curious as they reviewed files and the personal history of this DYAD project. Her eyes scanned the pages as she flipped — every time noting the tag number at the top right corner: 324B21.

 

“New in town, fresh off a relationship…I think what Cosima really needs now is a friend, don’t you?” Aldous asked from behind his desk.

 

“Oui,” Delphine nodded curtly. She flipped back to a page with a photo of Cosima and in the first time in her life, _wanted_ to be a friend. This subject — this person, seemed warm for what one might expect from a science experiment. She seemed different.

 

“As Cosima’s monitor, you’ll need her to trust you — disclose to you,” Aldous ordered, “Ultimately, the goal is to have her here — on _our_ side, made self-aware and working with us at DYAD. This is critical, Delphine.”

 

“Is she,” the new monitor paused eyes unable to look away from the same photograph, “Is she in any danger?”

 

“It will be your responsibility to report on her health and life, together, we’ll keep her safe.”

 

She nodded.

 

“Just be her friend,” Aldous said. “You’ll stay gold.”

 

\--

 

Delphine, generally confident in her work, was nervous when she first entered the lab where she’d engage with her subject for the first time. The objective of that day was to only bait and lay down the groundwork for her part in the project.

 

And because she spent most of her life avoiding friends and making a genuine connection with another human being, she thought this role would be easy to play. No attachments. But the minute subject 324B21 entered the room — the energy in the space changed and she felt herself vibrate at a completely new frequency.

 

But she swallowed hard and went through with her plan as she’d set out to do. Delphine faked a phone call, left her transcript behind and waited.

 

She waited in the hallway outside of the lab and for the first time in a very long time, she let herself feel lonely. She put her head in this weird place and let herself crave a connection — she felt so far removed from herself, she cried.

 

Her vision blurred, her face grew red in places and she produced tears for show; but a part of her meant it.

 

So when the PHD student with dreadlocks approached her, as anticipated, she didn’t have to act anymore. She let the exchange feel real.  The authenticity of Cosima’s smile was inspiring.

 

The execution of this project was expected to run smoothly. Getting close to Cosima would be easy because Delphine actually wanted to be. She hoped the results would remain optimistic with her altered approach to things.

 

Sometimes we predict changes and sometimes we enter transitional periods completely oblivious to it all. Delphine was one to micro-manage every moment in her life in some way — she hadn’t expected a personal evolution to occur when it did. And while it was inconvenient, she let it happen.

 

It was the little things — like the time she let herself enjoy the dialogue with her subject in the library when they met for the second time. Or when she let herself observe Cosima during Dr. Leekie’s Neolutionalism lecture where she first took in the clone’s beauty and design. This science, this human clone existence was the most fascinating thing she’d ever seen. More than that, she was _real_ and beautiful. It didn’t escape her, her mind referencing beauty twice — she’d never been more attracted to anything in her entire life. So aesthetically appealing, she found this dreaded-haired, tatted up woman to be a feast for the eyes. Her senses were heightened when they shared space, co-existed in a room. She craved close proximity — she just wanted to be near her. This was new.

 

There was something about Cosima that made her feel present.

 

This was something that was exclusive to this connection; Delphine confirmed when she walked into Aldous’ hotel room later that night. An uncomfortable chill spread through her when the older scientist breathed into her hair before dragging his mouth along her neck; fingertips down her arms.

  
They spoke in her native tongue and she experienced self-loathing. It didn’t feel right.

 

It would be the last time, she decided.

 

She communicated as much when she told him she wanted to end meetings like this. She proved her professional capabilities, showed just how committed she was to the project, to DYAD — and her devotion to all things science was clear.

 

He took it well and she knew they’d be able to continue a healthy working relationship. Despite Delphine deciding to start exploring different parts of herself, she would remain devoted to her work. After all, it was the only constant in her life.

 

She was always about self-preservation and functioned highest independently — a decision she wondered whether she’d actually made herself. Later, for sure. But it was her parents that sent their only daughter off to boarding school with infrequent visits and little communication. By the time she moved over seas, checking in with her ceased all together.

 

Though she’d very seldom entertain these varieties of thoughts, submit to these facets of consciousness, delve into her own psychology — she genuinely wondered if she was even capable of being loved. This was a latent fear she avoided navigating.

 

When she left the hotel, she re-read the last page of texts exchanged with Cosima — pictured her face as she’d have delivered the lines. Took comfort in how they’d probably sound. This made her feel better before she got back to her apartment where she bee lined it to the bathroom and showered — twice.

 

\--

 

The restaurant case study Aldous set up was weird and Delphine was reluctant to go through with it — tried to suggest he joining them for dinner would be awkward; forced. He insisted that this had to happen. He was still her boss, she still reported to him so she did it: brought her subject and waited for him to arrive.

 

She hadn’t expected Cosima to look quite so good when she picked her up. While she finished getting ready, Delphine took a moment to collect herself before they headed out.

 

It’s not that Delphine wasn’t aware of her appearance, she was familiar with what it was like to be looked at — but when Cosima set sight on her, met her eyes exactly as a smile stretched across her face, she felt _seen_. Of course something as superficial as this wouldn’t be enough for Delphine to consider abandoning years and years of self-discipline and shake up her entire personal value system. It was when Cosima saw her exactly as she wanted to be seen and accepted her exactly as she was — wanting to be near her too — that made Delphine feel something.

 

It didn’t happen slowly. These feelings didn’t creep up on her quietly from behind — they slapped her across the face. She felt like a sentimental fool (a first) and she was immediately addicted to the burn.

 

The mundane activity of her daily that she never shared with anyone she started to offer Cosima; whether through text or call or in passing as they walked along a sidewalk. _This must be what it’s like to have a friend_. Though this girl was supposed to be just a subject she was monitoring, she’d rapidly become the closest person to her overnight. Next level method acting? No, she admitted silently to herself, this was the real life she’d never had before.

 

Brought out of her daze by Cosima’s hand on her elbow, the pair ventured out to make their reservation.

 

They settled in easy after arriving at the restaurant. Their banter was fun, dialogue easy and comfort level high. Until, of course, Aldous showed up and Delphine had to go through with inviting him to join them. When Cosima called her out on her singleness and suggested Leekie as a romantic option — Delphine’s lungs filled with an awkward guilt that dropped into the pit of her belly where it remained for the rest of the dinner.

 

Despite the evening shifting to a forced encounter with Aldous as he promoted the DYAD and made Cosima visibly uncomfortable, Delphine still got an invite back to her subject’s place. It was important, Aldous texted her, that she encourage the clone to get on board with DYAD.

 

So as Cosima poured a glass of wine for herself with a DYAD card in hand, she brought it up.

 

“Working with Dr. Leekie could be the opportunity of a lifetime,” Delphine said, stepping into her immunology student role.

 

“I know,” Cosima agreed, “I know.”

 

“Then why are you being so coy?”

 

“Don’t you think it’s time we admit what this is really about?” Cosima said, looking at her in a way that left her dizzy with confusion. In a beat, the brunette had stepped near — closed the space between them; kissed her.

 

Cosima’s mouth was on hers. Delphine didn’t know how to react — lost control of the situation as her heart stopped. She couldn’t close her eyes, couldn’t submit to it. This wasn’t in the plan. Her hand instinctively found its way to her subject’s face as she gently forced herself away in an attempt to take any power back.

 

She had to get out of there.

 

The time between the unexpected offer of affection and getting herself outside the clone’s front door was a complete blur.

 

Cosima had _kissed_ her. And Delphine had liked it.

 

This was problematic.

 

Delphine may not have had any experience with friendships — but she was fairly certain that kissing your friends crossed some kind of boundary. One they hadn’t established; one she didn’t think she had to — one a part of her didn’t want to create.

 

She thought about the kiss on her way home. Thought about how the frames of Cosima’s glasses rested on her cheeks when her nose pressed into them; how they looked just inches from her face, her eyes gently shut behind them— thought about how good her bottom lip felt wedged between the smaller woman’s own lips. It was brief but it was something.

 

And Delphine couldn’t stop thinking about it.

 

Overcome with emotion, a foreign concept for the scientist, she staggered home drunk off affection. She’d never experienced a connection like this; made practical choices when engaging with lovers — kissing without intimacy.

 

That kiss had been the most intimate moment she had ever experienced.

 

This, with a woman who shared similar intellectual passions. It hadn’t ever occurred to Delphine that she might even be attracted to the same sex, allowing social biases to rule her, ignorant of the possibility. Though she considered herself open-minded, she’d unintentionally closed herself off and allowed social influences to dictate her opportunities, to dominate her personal decisions.

 

Her mind was flooding with thoughts.

 

Cosima was life. Filled with energy, bursting with light and evidence of the living. She is beauty; thriving in thought and existence. Cosima was real life.

 

Delphine had made her reason for being about science — about work. She was about discovery through macro theories and existed to study the developments of things around her.

 

Since crossing paths with Cosima, Delphine began to experience life. This event had destroyed everything she thought she knew, all that she was — Delphine felt reborn with a whole new set of purpose that would affect every intention moving forward. Cosima inspired the career scientist to make her existence about more — to feel, to live.

 

Unable to sleep, she checked her phone. It was 3:29AM when the phone illuminated the corner of her bedroom before it glowed out. She’d remember that time now, too, because that was the exact time she decided to switch paths. She made a new choice, as she rested her index and middle finger over the pulsing of her heart — feeling it beat beneath her tips, she decided to live.


End file.
